Kingfisher, Stratford-upon-Avon

You have reached the truth, oh faithful bloggee, regarding my unsophisticated palate. I am, at heart a chips-with-everything woman served with a slightly too-hot, mildly stewed tea. This is the place which serves that very gastronomic delight. This restaurant is behind the chip shop, accessed via a long corridor to the left. Or possibly a wormhole given the sense of having gone back in time. Formica tables and red plastic chairs bolted to the floor, woodchip swirly wallpaper and cheap prints of local views.

The menu is basic but unashamedly so - cod and chips, sausage and chips, egg and chips, burger and chips, chips and chips. The chips are fine, but not the best ever.  Dark, fluffy but not too crispy. The fish is better. The cod is silky smooth with a flaky texture and the batter has an edge that gives a good gravelly crunch. Fried eggs are served with a pleasant non-gelatinous, solid white and a milky yellow, slightly runny yolk. Just about perfect if you are a yolk-dunker. I have not had the coffee here, but the tea is fine, made up in a pot beforehand and not the teabag-in-a-cup concoction you might expect. Ask for bread and butter and get the perfect side dish of thin generic white slices, liberally spread with margarine.

Just a head's up. This is a small, narrow place. There is very little room at the best of times and, when full, not crowded with a sympathetic clientele. Any kind of wheels, be they walker, buggy or sholley are viewed as obstructive and anyone struggling to get through the door is likely to meet with shrill requests to close the door. Despite your valiant attempts to hurry, if someone has to shuffle past you as you try to be seated and out of the way, expect a chorus of tutting. And no matter how helpful your nephew to expedite matters, resign yourself to the thick, martyred sighing from the table immediately behind you.



Access: *****
Chips: *****

Starbucks, Leamington Shopping Park, Leamington Spa

There was less to distract me here than in the Stratford branch so I was able to concentrate more on the food and drink. This store is in the Sainsbury's so an open front means access is not a problem. My tuna and cheese melt was nothing spectacular, but tasty and filling. Drew had the falafel mezze bistro box but was disappointed. As he pointed out once you have wrestled everythng out of the packaging there is surprisingly little: two small pitta breads, a couple of tablespoonsful of bulgar wheat salad and three tiny chickpea falafels. Latte was nice, though and served in a mug. Of all the global coffee franchises at least this one serves it in a weighty, stocky mug which makes you feel like you are getting a real thirst-slaker and a cosy winter warmer. The decaf has an interesting taste and I have found this in any branch I have visited: there's a smoky aftertaste to it, sometimes bordering on ashy.

One aspect of the Starbucks experience does give me pause, though. I am not too sure about this business of the barista asking for your name and then yelling it across the store when your coffee is ready. Perhaps I am a bit too English for that. Given the tendency of this particular business to default on their taxes, follow the advice of Have I Got News For You and give your name as British Tax Payer.



Latte: *****
Access: *****

Nandos, Touchwood Centre, Solihull

This is my first visit to a Nandos and in this particular outlet, I felt as though I had been smacked in the face by the 90s. A McMansion- style giant red chandelier, a waiter who was the living spit of Mark Owen, and world-eco-friendly block art on the walls. Drew clearly picked up on this subconsciously as he twice mentioned that someone or something was 'twisting his melon' (man).

The place was very crowded and we had to wait for a table but the backlog was dealt with efficiently and fairly. Everyone dealt with in strict order and led to a clean table. Chairs were damned uncomfortable though. Admittedly old 'fat and scant of breath' here has difficulty with small furnishings anyway, but these metallic back-crunchers were worse than usual. If you can, get one of the booths; they looked a little more comfortable.

Food was a disappointment. Admittedly, none of us were particularly adventurous, opting for the 'plain' over the spicier options. Drew declared his chicken to be 'spectacular', but my chicken-in-a-bun was a little 'meh'. The chips were fries-style, dull, not at all crispy, having the suspicious texture of the oven-cooked variety. I freely accept I may have missed the point here. You are constantly battened by references to the in-house speciality, the Peri-peri marinade. There is an enormous range of sauces and condiments that are offered as complementary to your meal, so perhaps the whole point of the blandness is to encourage you to douse everything in the special in-house sauces; and then dash to your nearest supermarket to purchase some for home. I did notice quite a number of people with several jars and bottles on the tables, liberally slopping out the contents on their meals.

This is another store, like Greggs, patronised and mocked by comedians to display their proletariat credentials, or, indeed, anyone middle class trying to be 'with it'. While it is certainly true that the place only really serves up jazzed up versions of chicken and chips, it was damned cheap and filling, they offer that rare thing - the free drinks refill - and the service was efficient and friendly. This was the most crowded place on the food concourse at Touchwood, so they must be getting something right. If you go here on your own, enjoy the lively atmosphere. Stick Pulp's 'Common People' on the iPod and sing along. You never know; they might all join in.


Latte: *****
Access: *****
Chips: *****

Emporium Tea Rooms, Antiques Centre, Stratford-upon-Avon

The lovely thing about this place is that they do not have to fake the vintage look. All those clocks and plates and postcards? They are the real deal! Access through the side door is easiest rather than on the front facing the street. It can be a little awkward to negotiate around the tables, as there is not that much room.

Best scrambled eggs on toast in town. Two slices of granary bread, dripping with real butter. Three egg portion, creamy, not over-seasoned. And you get to eat it on a proper plate, heavy duty crockery with a floral or blue willow-style pattern; and a proper blunt-tipped knife and long-tined fork, hefty in the hand. My latte was lovely. Locals will remember when every tea shop in town served their beverages in a set of Sadler teapots illustrated with the Bard's most noted plays. This is the only place I have seen so far that still uses them, serving up tea in elegant, dainty little cups and saucers. So get flexing that pinky finger.




Latte: *****
Access: *****

Greggs, Maybird Centre, Stratford-upon-Avon

I would have been useless in last year's summer riots. I would have been distracted from looting trainers and televisions if the route of the riot took me past a Greggs. While all around me was chaos and flames, I and my nasal cannula would be pressed against the window longing for a steak pasty.

This place comes in for a lot of stick as being palatable only to the working classes. the hoi polloi, the Great Unwashed, the chavs. If that means lower prices then all bloody credit to them. My latte was Fairtrade, an eye-bogglingly low £1.45, creamy and strong and the regular size was a hefty mugful. For £1.85 you can have coffee and a croissant which would fill you up just as effectively as a spinach and feta wrap. If you won't go because you have a 'thing' about Greggs, shame on you.





Latte: *****
Access: *****

Carrot Cake Cafe, Millets Farm Shop, Evesham Country Park

I admit I initially misjudged this place. The decor aims at advertising the place's organic and wholesome credentials but done on the cheap - tongue and groove wood panelling, canvases showing food in close up, plastic chairs and tables with the formica in the fake wood style. All tastefully painted pale green and cream.

However, it does not matter. Good, hot Fairtrade latte, regular size a respectable £2.15. Drew had a jacket potato with coronation chicken which came served with a generous salad and was fairly priced at £4.95, the same price for all jacket potatoes no matter what filling. I had an egg mayo roll, which tasted great and had a kind of rough-cut feel that suggested a hand-made filling rather than the catering tub. For a decent £2.95 it came with coleslaw and a chunky salad garnish. I ignored the latter as a matter of course, but by all means, eat it yourself.




Latte: *****
Access: *****

Bell Inn, Stow-on-the-Wold

When someone asks you what you thought of this place I guarantee you will shrug your shoulders a little, purse your lips and say 'S' alright'. That is exactly what it is. It is alright. The decor is nothing special, just pub-on-the-side-of-the-road ambience, pool table, giant flat screen TV, rough-hewn furniture, bit of bunting chucked up for the Jubilee.

After a very long wait, I was told that I could not have a latte as 'the milk would not foam'. I accepted the offer of a filter coffee in its place which tasted, frankly, appalling. Neither was Drew (who paid) offered a refund of the difference in price between latte and filter coffee. Everything was of a pub grub, everything-with-chips choice. After an even longer, almost interminable wait the food finally arrived. Credit where it is due the portion size was generous, my ham, egg and chips hot and well-cooked, if not terribly cheap at over eight quid. Both slices of ham at least half a centimetre thick, two large fried eggs, chips in the french-fries style and lots of them. Drew had the scampi and chips at £9.25, equally generous, served with peas; but the long wait for everything? Meh. It's alright.




Latte: *****
Access: *****
Chips: *****