Cafe Creme, Broad Street, Oxford

Sadly, age and an oxygen tank means that I have lost the ability to drape myself casually over furniture as is the wont of all students. No matter how high the stool or unyielding the banquette, as an undergraduate, I could always find the slouching position; and be both comfortable and look unbelievably cool. For this establishment such an ability would be a distinct advantage. It is a long narrow place with steep steps down to the dining area and additional steps down to the toilet. Seating is the aforementioned high chairs/stools or a long, buttock-numbing low bench with small, round tables. Access with any accompanying wheels is impossible.

On the other hand if your budget is as meagre as a student's, then this is perfect. Two toasted baguettes and two drinks was just over a tenner. The offerings are standard lunch fare - paninis, baguettes, wraps, flapjacks, cakes. There are some amazing options for vegetarians. I had a ham and cheese toastie (because I lack imagination) which was just right. One full slice of ham per half portion and cheese completely melted, molten-hot, glutinous in texture, slightly chargrilled baguette but loud, satisfying crunch and tear. No salad accompaniment: in fact, no accompaniment at all, not even a few crisps. I thought that was delightful. Drew had the artichoke, sundried tomato, halloumi and pesto on his baguette and declared it 'beautiful'. It tasted like a pasta dish, felt summery and indulgent. Crinkled, silky tomato, with fragrant, creamy pesto, soft bite on the baguette, not too tough on the teeth. I had the latte, fairtrade, served in a decent sized mug, creamy foam (though no moustache).

It is a good spot to sit and watch the students.  If this place is anything to go by, they are far more sensible about their eating habits than I ever was. I well remember nocturnal journeys to a supermarket to get cheap white bread, a can of beans and six eggs to see me through a couple of days. Then stuffed my face with Go Ahead bars all next day because I felt guilty I was not eating properly!

I'd do it all again. In a heartbeat.




Latte: *****
Access: *****

Munchies For Lunches, Stratford-upon-Avon

This is a cash-only place, no debit cards, so be warned. It is a small establishment, with no indoor seating except for a couple of aluminium chair and table sets outside. It is very much snacks and sandwiches, no-frills stuff like jacket potatoes, sandwiches and baguettes toasted or otherwise, plenty of take away cold drinks (what my mother would call 'pop'), coffee, crisps and cakes.

As you have probably gathered I am slightly dazzled by this place. You do get an awful lot of bang for your buck. Ask for a large baguette and expect an eye-popping lump of bread generously loaded with filling. Unlike certain other sandwich outlets one could mention, no one here uses a scoop to dole out exactly two small domes of tuna on your Hearty Italian. Or handle two tiny triangles of cheese as if they were flapping a picnic rug in a stiff breeze. I usually have a large baguette, white bread, egg mayo, no-salad-thank-you and have been presented with a doorstep size stonking great sandwich. Smooth and glossy egg mayo, not very chunky, hard, crisp crust on the bread. The only disadvantage is that it is impossible to eat it delicately, so don't even try. It comes wrapped in greaseproof paper so cram that in your collar, open wide and get going. You can always wash your face afterward.

Drew has the jacket potato, the chilli con carne filling being good for a hangover. Very meaty, not particularly spicy filling but fluffy potato in a crispy skin, butter and salt and pepper optional. The tuna mayo and sweetcorn is also a favourite, very creamy, very full of sweetcorn. The mayo-based concoctions are slightly boggy in texture, not the rough coarseness of laboriously hand-chopped artisan fare; but you won't mind that. You can always wash your face afterward.

Your Handy Guide To Eating Out in Stratford-upon-Avon this Christmas

 

Best Latte: Boston Tea Party. A thick and slightly nutty concoction. Just like me.

Best Tea: Henley Street Tearooms for variety

Best Fried Breakfast Because A Christmas Shopping Requires Full-On Fuel: Henley Street Tearooms. If you sit indoors this place smells of fried food; but not the noxious, greasy miasma you sometimes get in the less reputable establishments; but that piquant bouquet that promises crispy edges, plump yolks, crumby toast with actual butter and bacon with just the right amount of chin-drip. If it's a rotten day outside grab a table by the kitchen - which is not behind closed doors - and envelop yourself in a warm fug of comfort eating. This place serves a decent plateful of food, a mere fiver, an excellent way of fuelling the shopping spree. Try the champagne breakfast to start the day with Christmas joy and bonhomie. Just make sure to get someone else to carry your oxygen tank.

Best Cream Cakes Because At Some Point You Have To Buy Something For You: Vienna Patisserie. My personal recommendation is the coffee éclair although it is considerably sweeter and more cloying than its chocolate and cream counterpart; but this place is cakes without compromise. Full on wodges of cream, confectioner's custard and flaky pastry. And be careful. One sugar-loaded cake and a large latte and you will have to be tethered to your chair. Latte is pleasant enough but to be honest they could knock up a Nescafe and froth it up by blowing through a straw and you would be too off your face on sugar to notice.

Best Place To Take Guests: The Old Thatch is ideally where you bring guests on their first visit to Stratford to get a sort of Tudorish Elizabethany sort-of-Shakespearean feel. Think Birthplace with wi-fi and chips. The Hathaway Tea Rooms is useful if you want to escape from the relentless array of High Street shops and remind your visitors that you live somewhere quite historical and touristy. Guests might get a vicarious thrill from the fact that it is Hathaways-if-not-actually-the-cottage and you get to make dreadful puns about how the place 'hath a way' with coffee.

Best Defence Against Zombie Attack: When the town is swarming with people it is going to be difficult to make a quick getaway. In the event that it turns out to be a George A. Romero apocalypse at least the zombified masses will be slow and shuffling, making a swift getaway possible. Although, yes, you might have difficulties distinguishing between dedicated Christmas shoppers and actual zombies. In the event that the apocalypse is a World War Z scenario unless you're in, say, in McDonalds at the point of the outbreak, sitting in front of those large smashable windows you're pretty much buggered.

Best Takeout Coffee Cups: Costas, without a doubt. Starbucks cups will do if you want to advertise your live-in-Stratford-but-am-really-metrosexual-urban-sophisticate credentials. Even though they have replaced the modishly Expressionist tree trunk etchings with colouring-book cartoons, these can still be carried with ironic insouciance, or 'art is dead' round-shouldered weltschmertz. Costas provides a better balance between being a Stratfordian, lamenting the creeping globalization of the town centre, but not above treating the fact with humour. Bright, cheesy designs modelling ever-so-trendy crafting-your-home-made-decs hobby chic.

Best Place to Escape the Cold: As a rule of thumb, if you are cold, then anywhere will do. For sheer ambience though, the White Swan Hotel does an unbeatable number in cosy armchairs, dim and flickering candlelight, rosy-cheeked content and soporific comfort.

Best Place To Start Writing The Great British Novel Because This Time Next Year ...: The larger the establishment, the more likely you are to have the necessary peace and quiet for creative composition. Hathaways is fairly quiet and has a few places to hide away and make a coffee last three hours. If, however, you want to Be Seen, then your best bet is the more recognised coffee shops such as Starbucks or Costas. There will be moments when you can barely hear yourself think over the clacking keyboards of a thousand budding J. K. Rowlings.

Best Place For Fomenting Political Unrest Because the Relentlessness of Capitalism Is getting You Down: The Boston Tea Party which has the right hipster credentials and plenty of space for large groups where you can sit in a circle, discuss renegade politics, found new and subversive art movements that will shake the foundations of establishments, not forgetting to outline all this in the publication of a radical journal full of firebrand rhetoric and avant garde artwork. And with a title ending in '-- werke'.

Best Place If You Are Not Really a 'Christmas' Person: If you are one of those unfortunate souls who feels ill at the thought of the turkey and mince pies, get to El Greco. Though they do have the trappings of Christmas, the menu alone will waft you to emerald green oceans, and hot white sands. Stuffed to the gills with souvlaki, kalamari and stifados, washed down with Mythos beer or ouzo, you can wallow in the memories of summer. Which is really, when you think about it, not all that far away.

The Countess of Evesham Restaurant Cruiser, Stratford-upon-Avon

The key to this experience is to line up the limitations in your mind - if you are not bothered by them, then dismiss them. Due to the nature of boats there is not much room. Which means crammed tables and a small kitchen; which, in turn, means a restricted menu. So this is not high-end, gourmet fare. The menu always has a choice of two starters and two mains with a dessert. Cheese and biscuits are included on a Saturday, but otherwise are extra, as is the coffee.

If your mobility is limited then as long as you can be helped down steps it is not really a problem and staff obligingly store wheelchairs and walkers for you at the front of the boat. The real tussle comes from getting to your seats. Guests sit back to back and the chairs do not tuck under the tables so if there are people seated behind you it can be very difficult to clamber into your seat. Very difficult indeed; and especially so if you are not exactly sylph-like. And the people occupying the seats behind you will. Not. Move. If caught this way an accidental elbow jab to the neck of the offending recumbent helps. Apologise profusely as you use the leverage of their jolt forward to get comfortable.

During our visit the menu was a choice between mackerel pate and French onion soup and the main was chicken breast or cod. The pate was tasty, smooth and creamy but ultimately unmemorable. Served with a heavily dressed rocket salad and bread from the bread basket. The latter is the gem of the experience. One of the few places to fill a basket generously with thick-cut, doorstep triangles of bread, although stingy on the butter - a mere Dairylea-sized triangle apiece. The chicken breast was of generous proportions if a little dry. The accompanying vegetables were sweetcorn, carrots, courgettes and new potatoes, the latter garnished with rosemary. It is not bad. Considering the limited space in the kitchen it is all piping hot, tasty enough and served quickly. Dessert is served after the 15 minute stop over at Luddington, when the boat is returning to Stratford. In this case it was a chocolate mousse; a very thick, glutinous slice of milk and white chocolate, garnished with a strawberry. This being a Saturday we had the cheese and biscuits. A good mix of crackers, with cheddar, brie, and a blue cheese roulade with grapes and celery.

The food, of course, is not the highlight of the experience. It is being on the river and seeing just how pretty Stratford is with water and grass and swans and moorhens. The Theatre looks better from the water and you get to see the Church at a height that shows what a grand old bunch of bricks it really is. Plus, as you glide past the gardens of the houses on the Tiddington Road, you get to play 'If I Won The Lottery I'd Have That One'.

Slug and Lettuce, Worcester

Access can be difficult as there are some seriously steep stone steps at the entrance. A more access-friendly door is round the back. I did not find this out until, with the assistance of the elder sib, I had staggered and dragged myself and the oxygen up the steps; and then a helpful member of staff mentioned the alternative entrance, which is the fire exit. There is no obvious signage to tell you this.

We both opted for the breakfast, an absolute bargain at £4.95. That included coffee and toast and the breakfast itself was a respectable portion size: fried egg, two bacon, two sausages, baked beans, half a tomato and a portion of mushrooms that were steamed rather than fried or griddled. The sausages were suitably fat and juicy and the bacon crisp. Decent sized wedge of butter for the toast, and real butter too, not margarine. The coffee was a large mug of filter served with a jug of hot milk. It is a pretty strong roast for the latte lover so both milk portions were required to create a white coffee of drinkable taste and texture.

This is another establishment that does not have gourmet or bistro credentials but is plain fare and cheap booze. Not that I am complaining - the food is all half price on a Monday and, based on this experience, £2.48 is a superb bargain. The ambience of the fun pub is slightly at odds with the building, though. This is housed in what was formerly St Nicholas Church and the building still maintains quite a lot of original churchy features such as the pulpit. Which did not disconcert me in the least. As you well know, oh faithful bloggee, food is church.





Latte: *****
Access: *****

Pasty Presto, Stratford-upon-Avon

I have always thought of this place as a sort of posh Greggs as it is essentially a purveyor of pasties. It is only ever a stop off point for me as the seating inside is the ubiquitous high stool and table combo and, for someone my size, there is no elegant or graceful means to ascend what are, in fact, higher seats than normal. Outside is better with the standard aluminium chairs and tables; but be warned. That far down Henley Street it is not quite so comfortable to sit outside as it is at the establishments nearer the Birthplace. Its proximity to the Post Office and Lakeland mean that the flow of human traffic on either side of you can be a little intense. Crawling cars and taxi drop-offs can cause the pedestrians to funnel through the space between you and the shop - and, trust me, it can be damned irritating.

Think of it then, as a place that lives up to its name as a quick stop. Everything is freshly baked and the smell is always inviting, one of the few places in town where you can smell the coffee brewing in there from the street. It certainly serves a decent coffee. My latte was robust, very strong with an intense aftertaste. They also do the best croissants in town. Most of the places that offer croissants tend to serve ones that are more like bread in their texture, a dense mixture that is chewy and slightly dry. These are made of proper flaky pastry, very crumbly inside with a crisp, ever so slight crunch on the outside. Unfortunately, the price is a whopping £1.50 for eat in, and an unacceptable £1.10 to take away. That's half the price of your coffee.

This place should also claim the prize for the best conversation I ever overheard. Two elderly ladies seated behind me and the opening banter ran as follows:

'So how's it going with you then, m'duck?'

'Shit.'




Latte: *****
Access: *****

River Cafe, The Old Mill Museum, Lower Slaughter, Gloucestershire

This is located in the Proper Countryside. You can tell this by the usual methods: you have to get there via a long, winding route; there is a plethora of Hunters wellies and low level, approach and trekking boots; the toilets, though scrupulously clean, are outdoors with no radiators; there are an inordinate amount of country artefacts on display; and, there are people from Cheltenham dressed like Sherpa Tenzing.

This, indeed, a place for the hardier soul in the winter. Access with a wheelchair is damned near impossible. To reach the cafe you have to weave your way via a tortuous route through the shop, where everything is stacked high and crammed in a sort of artful trying-not-to-be-touristy way. Once out of the shop access to the cafe entrance and terrace is up a flight of steep steps. Not good for wheels but fine if your new tablets are having a positive effect with a Drew following close behind in case of emergency. The effort is worth it. The setting is glorious, right next to the mill pond with requisite ducks and swans, view of fields that is so textbook Cotswolds, down to the red telephone box, your eyes actually hurt. Seating is concrete moulded benches and chairs although cushions are available on request.

As it was cold we went inside. As befits its status as Proper Countryside, there is no central heating and the seating is pine benches and chairs. The food, however, makes up for everything. I had an egg mayonnaise sandwich. Not the usual chunky egg-and-mayo combo, but slices of boiled egg drizzled with mayonnaise. I was so dazzled I forgot myself temporarily and said yes to the watercress and forgot to refuse the salad. That was a decent portion of leaves, fragments of pepper, cherry tomato and cucumber heavily drizzled with balsamic vinegar. Drew wanted the roast beef and horseradish sandwich but, as is the wont of the small, independent establishments there was no beef left. He opted for the soup, which was tomato. This was fantastic and I missed out by not having it. Served in a deep crock pot and of a consistency and texture that best deserves the appellation 'broth', this was packed with vegetables and flavour. We identified peas, carrots, butterbeans and there was an aftertaste of aniseed suggesting fennel as the herb of choice. The accompanying bread was, appropriately, chunks of brown granary with two generous triangles of butter, not margarine. For £5.25, this was a meal in itself and, if you are of the rambling/hiking persuasion would be ideal. Coffee was pleasant, thirst-quenching but we may have missed out by not opting for a pot of tea which looked to be served in a large pot with a decent amount of milk.

Whilst in Lower Slaughter, visit the Church of St Mary's if you can. It has everything you could possibly ask of a small village church. Cavernous vaulted ceiling? Check. Imposing stone pillars? Check. Penetrating, bone-chilling cold? Check. Dust motes drizzling in subdued autumn sunlight? Check. Subliminal feelings of guilt? Uneasy reflections on mortality? Check. And check.