Saturday, 4 August 2012

Stratford Kebab House, Stratford-upon-Avon

This does what you expect it to. Serves chips, kebabs, burgers, wedges all very cheap, served in polystyrene boxes, cash only, stays open til 3am at the weekend. It is principally green, formica, wipe clean surfaces with no seating except a park bench. Food is cooked on a griddle while you wait, staring at the display of pre-prepared stuff, half wishing that you had chosen something else.

My default meal is the cheeseburger with chips. White roll, decent-sized burger with a thin, near-transparent slice of processed cheese. Yes, it does cook to a texture like melted plastic but it does not taste that way. The chips are thin-cut, fries style, quite heavily salted, but golden and crispy. A recommended alternative are the wedges. Sizes can vary from quarters to halves of potatoes, soft and fluffy on the inside, coated crisp and crunchy on the outside. There are plenty of add-ons offered including a selection of salad items. When your other half remembers that you never have the salad, greatness is his. That's when you know you picked a good 'un.

This is all the stuff you are not supposed to eat, that causes outrage and sneering at fat people, in a culture where food is an easy scapegoat for moral decline. All the more reason to enjoy this food for the sinful, antisocial indulgence that it is. Don't be polite or modest. Order, then gorge unceasingly. Upset the food fascists - cram and wedge and stuff your face in an unrelenting orgy of gluttony. Do this in public whilst stone cold sober.

Access: *****
Chips: *****

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